Looking back, looking forward
by twobitebrownie
Summary: It's just as difficult for her to leave as it is for them to let her go.


_Author's note - It took a while for me to get this out and I'm sure I didn't do it justice but it's just a missing scene I always thought should have been there. _

_Thank you brummie10 for all the help with all the things related._

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She stood in front of the large airport window, looking out at the planes taking off, the planes coming in.

She felt oddly empty. She was about to turn her life upside down, to leave the people she's called her family for the last six years and she can't bring herself to feel anything. Her decision shocked her as much as everyone else. The fact that you were the one making the decision, your own decision to leave your life behind and start over somewhere new doesn't mean that it's any easier.

And now, as she looked towards the boarding area where impatient people were waiting for the boarding call for the long flight to London, she was wondering when it will finally hit her. When would the permanency of what she had just done settle in? When would she finally start to feel?

It was a very strange feeling to stand there, bags in her hand, about to fly halfway around the world. Sometimes you just get that restless feeling that you can't explain. It tells you that you have to pack your bags and go. And it's almost like life sends you off in a different direction than you ever though it would. You're not unhappy, you're not miserable, you just feel like you don't belong there anymore. Her heart ached now. She felt her eyes start to well up. That's exactly what she was doing. She was leaving her family of six years, because she felt like she didn't belong there anymore. She had felt that way for a while. She tried to fight it, to give it time, to say she was just readjusting. But in the end nothing made the feeling go away. She looked each and every one of them in the face while she tried to explain why she had to do this. She saw the shock in their eyes. She saw JJ and Garcia fighting tears, she saw Reid confused not really sure what to say, she saw Rossi resigned, she saw Morgan trying to stop her and then she saw Hotch. He surprised her most because he wasn't surprised at all. Silent understanding was all that showed on his face. She remembered those moments, the last time she was in the board room, the last time she sat at their round table. Her last few days have been full of nostalgic last times.

But she had the best send-off possible. After all the gruesome cases, after all the close calls, after all that sorrow they'd seen on a daily basis, she'd gotten the happiest send-off she could wish for. They had all been so happy that night. It was the best of memories. She was the only one who had a tinge of melancholy. She remembered that night, the decision clearly made in her heart. She tried to engrave that night in her memory, to remember every single detail, every smile, every laughter. That's how she wanted to always remember them...her family...happy, carefree... She had wanted so badly to drink in everything, to remember every detail of their faces, the smell of the air, the sound of the music, the taste of the champagne, the hugs, the dance, every sensation the night brought. She felt a tear run down her cheek as the memories suddenly seemed to overwhelm her.

She vaguely heard the first boarding call for the plane. She ignored it. Although she was flying first class, because she valued her privacy and elbow space, she was usually among the last to board the plane.

Her mind went back to the stream of memories of that night, the need to replay them in her head taking her by surprise.

She remembered how beautiful JJ looked and how Will seemed awe struck when he saw her walk down the aisle. She wondered if she'd ever see that look on the face of that special someone she longed to see at the other end of the aisle. But she didn't allow herself to go there...she couldn't. If her life had been different then maybe she could have dared to dream, but she didn't have that luxury. That dream was out of reach.

She wondered what they were doing right now. They were probably getting ready for another case, their stand-down almost over. Then her mind drifted to the future and what it would look like... who would replace her? She wasn't foolish enough to think that they wouldn't. Nobody was irreplaceable. Her heart ached at the thought that the new person would take her place in the hearts of the people she loved so dearly. Selfishly she hoped they would have to fight as much as she had to fight for that place in the beginning. Selfishly she hoped they wouldn't ever be able to completely replace her. Because even though the decision to leave was hers, she did not want to be forgotten, she did not want to disappear.

She wished desperately that things would be different. She wished she didn't feel so strongly that this was what she had to do. She almost wished there was a way back. But as she heard the final boarding call for her flight, she knew there was no turning back. The tears that had now dried on her cheeks, were a reminder of good times and sad times, of a life left behind. As she walked down towards the door of the plane she tried to focus on the new life ahead of her. One that she had chosen and one that she would make work. And somehow she knew things would be OK. Her heart would ache, her heart would break, but in the end she would be OK.

As the plane took off she never took her eyes away from view out the window. It was like she was looking at those places for the last time. She knew she wasn't but, for now, it would be the last time she would be looking at them as home. Starting tomorrow she would have a new home, a new life and there would be no time for sorrow or tears over what she'd left behind.

When all she could see was the blue depths of the Atlantic, she pulled out her phone with the group photo from JJ's wedding. She stroked each face gently, then turned and buried her head in the head rest and started to sob silently. For the last time she would give allow the tears to flow freely. Because, it was just as hard for her to leave as it was for the others to be left behind. But today, just for today she'll just allow herself to miss the life she'd just left behind.


End file.
